BP and AP - Before Panic and After Panic

I just read an article in Time Magazine which discussed the Obama/Romney campaign, before the first debate and after. Before the debate Obama had a 3.3 % lead in the popular vote and after Romney had pulled out in front, indicating the concept as BD and AD (Before Denver - the location of the debate - and After Denver). I admit my show does not carry as much prestige as a national presidential debate for example 65 million people watched the first debate and perhaps 65 people watch my show live at 5 PM on Woodstock Public Access Television (actually there is not way to tell, but I keep hearing about more and people who apparently watch it live). Of course many more people watch Alan's Italy on the "carousel" a device used by the TV station to broadcast the show as a repeat - as many as 19 times during the week- two weeks after the live broadcast. Then, of course, probably about 125 people watch me on Youtube each week.

Nonetheless, an event occurred on my show at about 5:35 PM slightly more than half way through which replicated the concept of Before and After. In this case it was that I sort of had a very minor "panic attack." I suffer from anxiety disorder and have had a number of anxiety or panic attacks over the course of my life, but deal with chronic anxiety regularly. To me it makes the idea of doing a weekly TV show live an even more amazing feat, but I have never let my problems prevent me from realizing my dreams and goals (as I talk a lot about in my second book and I indicated to a minor degree in my previous blog). I even spent my professional life as an assistant principal, which obviously necessitated conducting meetings, lecturing, and making speeches before sometimes hundreds of people. Ok, so here I am between 5 and 5:35 completely relaxed, "strolling" through the piazzas of Florence having a great time reliving experiences I had there over the past 20 years. Then at 5:35 I glanced at the clock and realized I had only about 15 minutes to do perhaps 30 minutes of show. Although most people probably didn't notice, perhaps nobody did, from that point on I started to make more mistakes and forget things I know normally on the tip of my fingers, so to speak. BP (P = Panic) I remembered everything I had reviewed about the show, names of places, years, dates, people, and AP I could not remember things that I would never forget. For example when I got to the Piazza Santa Maria Novella, one of my favorite 3 piazzas, and one on which I have spent perhaps 100 hours, and know every nook and cranny, I forgot the name of the hotel right at the crease between the cloister of the Church of Santa Maria Novella, and the spot where the commercial enterprises begin. The hotel, which every Florentinophile knows is, of course, the Hotel Minerva. When I got to the Piazza Italiana dell'Unita I forgot both hotels, the Majestic and one of the most well known hotels in Florence, the Hotel Baglioni. When I got to the Piazza Cestello, I referred to the church as the Church of Cestello instead the actual name Church of San Frediano in Cestello, a church I have stared at from my balcony at my hotel on via della Scala, Hotel Croce di Malta for years as I sit there staring at the southern view of Florence. I can go on and on, but the point is that before 5:35 and after that, the show changed and I was a different person, although as I watched it closely a few minutes ago don't see how anyone would have noticed a difference, except that I was obviously rushing, but from my face and manner there was no noticeable difference. Someone who knows Florence may have noticed something, but otherwise my problem was, duh, in my head, as it always it.

So here was a peek into the mind of Alan, and at my age who cares who knows. In fact perhaps those people who have experienced anxiety know what I am taking about. A variety of things happen when a person is undergoing an anxiety attack, and for each person it is different. For me it is forgetting things, but much worse than that is getting nervous about forgetting things - in fact what psychologists call "fear of fear." Then there are two problems that manifest itself, the problem itself and the fear of the problem. From 5:35 until the show ended at 6, I fought through it, which is good news for me, because knowing that it is not debilitating is a big plus. Experience is the best teacher, so for everyone who experiences anxiety, maybe this story will be helpful. As always, thanks for reading or graze per la lettura.